Lawrinson Hall Fire Alarms Drive University Policy Reform

Chancellor Syverud finally puts his foot down on Easy Mac

Clickbait | William Kirsch | February 24, 2016 SATIRE

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SYRACUSE – It is no secret on campus that Lawrinson Hall and fire alarms go together like Jim Brown and football. Today, the chancellor’s office began working on a new university-wide policy to help combat the gross amount of fire alarms triggered by Lawrinson Hall in particular. This came in response to the handful of alerts triggered this past weekend – especially the one at 3 am which reportedly rendered students incapable of attending their poorly planned Monday morning classes.

“Chancellor Syverud has had multiple meetings with a special task force today in an effort curb the number of times which first responders show up unneeded to Lawrinson Hall,” an anonymous source from inside his office told The Rival earlier today.

The source later confirmed that all first-year students will be required to take a one-credit seminar which meets once weekly for the duration of their first semester. This class would encompass the intricate workings of the microwave. For example, how to open the microwave, how to correctly place the food object inside, and how to press the buttons. The most important thing the class teaches is how to read the labels on things like Easy Mac to see exactly which buttons to push to get the correct time. It also demonstrates skills such as how to put in water first, and the “cheese powder” second.

This one-credit seminar has been used at other colleges and has been proved to be extremely successful. One anonymous source from a nearby college stated, “Before this seminar, I literally would throw the entire Easy Mac inside with the plastic on and press Start. Now, I know how to carefully remove the plastic and read the label! Also, I stopped eating Easy Mac because I turned vegan but I’m glad I know how to make it. Check out www.GoVegan–” The Rival, unfortunately, lost the last part of her statement.

“I think this is a really going to work,” an education professor commented. “We have a lot of really bright students here on campus who, with the right skills, can really learn how to live on their own.”

The Chancellor could not be reached for comment because according to his office he was far too busy drafting a memorandum to his “Dear Orange Friends.”


*THE Caroline Cianci contributed to this article*