Sex Sitdowns: The Secret to How Freshman Guy Has “Banged A...

Advice from a self-proclaimed pounder in the gym and bed.

Clickbait | Joshua Feinblatt | March 4, 2016 SATIRE

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He’s the pinnacle of man. You’ve seen him around. He’s probably told you how much he hooks up with girls, even though you never asked. If you’re lucky enough, he’s probably hit on you or one of your friends. The Rival got to sit down with your freshman friend that claims to “have a super high body count,” to find out how he has gotten so lucky in his first year at college.

The Rival: So, you have a reputation for having sexual relations with 15 girls, am I correct?

Freshman Guy: 17, as of last night my man. I am not even close to being a virgin.

TR: Wow, so how do you approach a girl when you first go to talk to her?

FG: Well, I usually just put my arm around her and say, “What’s up girl?”

TR: Where do you take it from there?

FG: Well at that point, if we’re not making out already, I ask her what she’s doing at a place like this.

TR: Wait, you can just start to make out with a girl by saying, “What’s up?” and invading her personal space?

FG: Yeah, I mean usually. I do lift. Girls love my muscles. (Flexing)

TR: Alright, so what are some things that pique your interest about a girl?

FG: Well, she has to look good from behind, obviously. But she also has to appreciate that I’m going to kick her out in the morning so I can go to the gym. She also has to be okay with the fact that I am not a virgin, I get with so many girls.

TR: When you get a girl back to your or her room, do you have any routine?

FG: Well, we just sort of do it. It’s pretty simple. Why, you don’t know man? (Laughs)

TR: How about in high school, were you the same way? Were you a womanizer?

FG: Dude, totally. I probably hooked up with like most of the females in my high school.

TR: And you must’ve had a different approach, how did you go about wooing girls during high school?

FG: Same thing, I would just go up to a girl in class, put my arm around her, and I say, “what’s up.” Obviously, then you know what happens.

TR: What? You’d just start making out with a girl in a high school class?

FG: Um, yeah. It happened a bunch. I haven’t been a virgin for a long time my man.

TR: What school was this?

FG: I went to St. Dominic Men’s Prep.

TR: You went to an all boys catholic school?

FG: Yeah. (Sweating profusely)

TR: Okay, well final question. What would you say to all the guys out there who are virgins and looking to find that special lady to break the seal with?

FG: Yeah, you better do that quick dudes. Seriously, a virgin in college? I’m not a virgin. Not even close. You should be embarrassed. Make sure you don’t tell anyone that because you need to get some action. If anyone asks, just tell them you have sex all the time. That’s what I do. I mean that’s what I would do, if I was a virgin. I’m the same amount a virgin as I am fat, 0%. And I have to make sure both of those numbers stay at zero percent.

Wow, those were some really helpful tips from this week’s expert. Hopefully you can draw something from this interview into your love life/hookup game. Make sure to read next week’s Sex Sitdowns, where we’ll talk about the Top 5 Sex Positions to do While Tweeting. Number 3 will surprise you, it’s the best for subtweets!